My husband and I are packing up and moving to Texas after being California residents our entire lives. As we are packing we are also sorting through our belongings, determining what should go, what should be disposed of, and what should be donated. After 42 years I have acquired quite a wealth of "stuff" and deciding what is going on the truck and what isn't is emotionally exhausting. I would not call myself a pack rat. I am not afraid to get rid of something. However, I love to collect memories and that is what is hardest to leave behind. For example, I have a plant in my kitchen which was given to me as a clipping from a good friend of mine that passed away a few years ago. I know she is not embodied in the plant, but it's a way to keep her memory alive and to aid me in recalling some of our happier times before her passing. Additionally, I have a stock of plants in my backyard most of which are Plumeria that I got from Hawaii on various trips. All of them started off as little 6 inch stalks and are now at least 4-5 feet tall. Again, they are reminders of good times and I fear if I leave them behind that I will somehow forget those precious memories and the people I hold dear.
I have never been one to enjoy change although I experienced the various life changes....high school, college, moving out on my own, having parents move away, getting married, having children, etc. I know nothing in this world stays the same, but I wish I could get my heart to embrace the opportunity and not possess the terror of the unknown. It almost seems to take me over and consume my every thought., I would really like this time to be different for me. I would like not to think of the loneliness and isolation that awaits me as a mother of a special needs child, of the countless hours that I will spend as a single parent so my husband can provide for our family, of the fact that I will spend my days taking my son to therapy and not having a social life because my son is unable to handle interaction. In all honesty, this feels like a death sentence, not an opportunity. So how do I get my heart to look at this experience as an opportunity for good?
Fast forward 6 months later in Austin, TX. Our son is now in ABA therapy at a local center 20 hours a week. Just getting independent insurance in TX that covered ABA was enough to make me pull out my hair. And don't get my started on the ECI services. It is such an amazing contrast to my experience in CA. But we are through the worst of it and are now starting to see brighter days ahead.
I have made a few friends, all of which are moms of autistic children close in age to Christopher. Additionally, I have joined a few FB autism support groups. It completely amazes me how autism binds people. I have developed such an intense love and compassion on those in the trenches along side of me. I have found that I have become more skeptical of my doctors and more trusting of those who are battling with me. They in every sense have become my go-to resources.
We found a DAN doctor her in Austin who is well respected, and he is knowledgeable, but I am seeing no difference in my son despite adding in more supplements, another round of medications, etc.
So, now what? I think this is the lesson God had to teach me by bringing me to TX. The fact is, NOTHING is in my control. The longer I try to control and manipulate situations to ease my discomfort, the harder and more frustrating things becomes. If I ease my grip on the control, trust God to care for me, then it all becomes significantly easier. I am not saying that the isolation is better, or that Christopher is recovered, or even that I am loving TX. What I am saying is that I have more faith. I am leaning on God more for wisdom and strength and as a result the things I am going through seem more hopeful.
I am still not a fan of change, especially as we are considering moving back to CA to be closer to family and friends. I know that chaos that awaits me back home trying to get my son into ABA services there, trying to find insurance, making friends in my neighborhood, finding a church, etc. It will all be incredibly hard. But with faith in God, He has the power to change my perspective and give me hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day.
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