My Cheese Moved...and I Didn't Like it!!

My husband and I are packing up and moving to Texas after being California residents our entire lives.  As we are packing we are also sorting through our belongings, determining what should go, what should be disposed of, and what should be donated.  After 42 years I have acquired quite a wealth of "stuff" and deciding what is going on the truck and what isn't is emotionally exhausting.  I would not call myself a pack rat.  I am not afraid to get rid of something.  However, I love to collect memories and that is what is hardest to leave behind.  For example, I have a plant in my kitchen which was given to me as a clipping from a good friend of mine that passed away a few years ago.  I know she is not embodied in the plant, but it's a way to keep her memory alive and to aid me in recalling some of our happier times before her passing.  Additionally, I have a stock of plants in my backyard most of which are Plumeria that I got from Hawaii on various trips. All of them started off as little 6 inch stalks and are now at least 4-5 feet tall.  Again, they are reminders of good times and I fear if I leave them behind that I will somehow forget those precious memories and the people I hold dear.  
I have never been one to enjoy change although I experienced the various life changes....high school, college, moving out on my own, having parents move away, getting married, having children, etc.  I know nothing in this world stays the same, but I wish I could get my heart to embrace the opportunity and not possess the terror of the unknown.  It almost seems to take me over and consume my every thought.,  I would really like this time to be different for me.  I would like not to think of the loneliness and isolation that awaits me as a mother of a special needs child, of the countless hours that I will spend as a single parent so my husband can provide for our family, of the fact that I will spend my days taking my son to therapy and not having a social life because my son is unable to handle interaction.  In all honesty, this feels like a death sentence, not an opportunity.   So how do I get my heart to look at this experience as an opportunity for good?
Fast forward 6 months later in Austin, TX. Our son is now in  ABA therapy at a local center 20 hours a week. Just getting independent insurance  in TX that covered ABA was enough to make me pull out my hair.  And don't get my started on the ECI services.  It is such an amazing contrast to my experience in CA.  But we are through the worst of it and are now starting to see brighter days ahead.
 I have made a few friends, all of which are moms of autistic children close in age to Christopher.  Additionally, I have joined a few FB autism support groups. It completely amazes me how autism binds people. I have developed such an intense love and compassion on those in the trenches along side of me.  I have found that I have become more skeptical of my doctors and more trusting of those who are battling with me. They in every sense have become my go-to resources.
We found a DAN doctor her in Austin who is well respected, and he is knowledgeable, but I am seeing no difference in my son despite adding in more supplements, another round of medications, etc.  
So, now what?  I think this is the lesson God had to teach me by bringing me to TX.  The fact is, NOTHING is in my control.  The longer I try to control and manipulate situations to ease my discomfort, the harder and more frustrating things becomes.  If I ease my grip on the control, trust God to care for me, then it all becomes significantly easier.  I am not saying that the isolation is better, or that Christopher is recovered, or even that I am loving TX.  What I am saying is that I have more faith.  I am leaning on God more for wisdom and strength and as a result the things I am going through seem more hopeful.
I am still not a fan of change, especially as we are considering moving back to CA to be closer to family and friends.  I know that chaos that awaits me back home trying to get my son into ABA services there, trying to find insurance, making friends in my neighborhood, finding a church, etc.  It will all be incredibly hard.  But with faith in God, He has the power to change my perspective and give me hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Filling in the gaps with GAPS

We started our family on the GAPS (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) diet on Friday.   Our breakfast that morning consisted of chicken, broth and squash...not what I would count as a traditional breakfast.  We offered the food to our son and he refused to eat any of it.  He cried incessantly for food and about 10 AM I caved in and gave him some apples, some bacon and a few pancakes.  I still cannot believe that I caved that fast.  He was just so pitiful.  I determined that I would start him again on Saturday with new vigor, especially knowing that my husband would be home to help with the melt-downs when our son was told he could not have a banana or bacon.  Again, we had more bland food on Saturday and I was starting to feel really weak.  I was told that if I felt nauseous to be sure to add a dash of fresh pressed apple juice to some water to ensure my blood sugar did not get too low.  After drinking the juice I was incredibly sick..and I mean hang over the toilet and heave like you have the worst flu ever... kind of sick.  That lasted for a good portion of the morning keeping me in bed while my husband took care of Christopher who also woke up in vomit.  By the evening I was feeling slightly better but had an enormous headache to add to the nausea.  Christopher was still fussing, but refusing to eat what was given to him.
Sunday rolled around and I made us some meatballs with grated carrots and a kobucha squash for breakfast and I felt amazing.  The carrots and the squash really did an amazing job to pick up my blood sugar, and additionally, it was food I craved.    Christopher had no more vomiting, but was still not eating.  Thankfully, he was still drinking a lot of water and we would occasionally top his cup off with some apple juice to keep his blood sugar stable.  He did eat a bit of kobucha squash that I prepared, but refused to eat any more later on.
We are now on Monday, and I am feeling really great.  I have a lot of energy and the food is starting to be more appealing.  I am still in love with the meatballs with grated carrots and the kobucha squash.  I have the feeling it will be a staple.  Christopher is still on his hunger strike.  We tried to force feed him certain foods, but he is refusing everything we give to him and now he seems to be really leery of us when we approach him because he is afraid we will force him to eat. We have tried presenting his carrots and squash in chunks, pureed, etc, but he is not interested in it.  Additionally, we added a small amount of good salt to his water, along with some honey and some apple juice.  He is not too excited about it, but will occasionally sip it.
Unfortunately we were not able to go farther along in the diet.  Christopher went days without eating to the point that he all he would do was lay around and sleep all day.  Additionally, when he went outside, he just wanted to sit in the car and take a ride.  So my hubby would take him on a ride around the block.
When we did go back to foods we had before we made several modifications so that Christopher is on a full GAPS diet. He is now on a high veggie diet with a small amount of fruit (which we put in a smoothie) as well as his favorite meat pork bellies.  We have found our biggest struggle with our son is extreme sensory issues to texture and to taste.  So, our next battle is to find a way to get our son to get past his sensory issues.  

Eating My Elephant..One Big Bite at a Time!!

In the midst of all the bio-medical interventions we are pursuing in order to recover our son, God has led us to yet another source that I find very intriguing.  Per the suggestion of our son's naturopath I picked up the GAPS book (Gut and Psychology Syndrome) , and wow, all I can say is "I see the light"!!!!  This book clearly delineates all the health issues that my son has been battling with: yeast and bacteria overgrowth, casein and gluten peptides, allergies not to mention my own issues with yeast infections, chronic illness, allergies, etc  The basic premise of the book is that poor gut health can cause all these issues because food is not being properly processed/digested,etc.  The book outlines a program to restore a person to full health with no medicine, just good clean wholesome food.  The only challenge with this is that will mean even more time in the kitchen than before and more food restrictions.  Now our family will be grain free/starch free/and refined sugar free as well.  Additionally,  I will be culturing yogurt and kefir, making sauerkraut, soaking nuts, etc. to be sure that food will be able to be properly absorbed.  For my type A personality, this is a lot to take on.  Then there is the added stress of knowing that this can be that final puzzle piece I am missing to fully recover my son and the stress is really starting to mount.  Thankfully, there is a saving grace to this giant elephant that has now died in our kitchen.  There are resources (lots and lot of them) such as the GAPS Yahoo Group, Tribal Mamas, the book the GAPS Guide,  all to direct me in baby steps towards our goal.
With each step I take, I know I am one step closer, and my family is closer to healing and fully restored health. My home is grain free now (aside from popcorn kernals and brown rice pasta (which will keep), we are whittling our pantry supplies down to only the essentials, I have our entire family taking cod liver oil now,  I have my first batch of sauerkraut fermenting in our cupboard, and I bought a yogurt maker to culture our own dairy.
For some reason this takes me back to my senior year of college.  It was my first semester and I was taking 21 units.  To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.  One night I called my mom crying on the phone trying to figure out how I could study for my finals and complete my (several) term papers at the same time.  She stopped and prayed with me, but ended our conversation with a question.  The question was: "Charise, how do you eat an elephant?".  Since I don't regularly eat elephants I was befuddled.  And so I said, "I don't know." To this my mom responded, "One bite at a time".  From this lesson I learned that looking at the whole picture would cause this feeling of being overwhelmed.  But if I just focused on the one project at hand, complete it, and then move onto the next project, it wasn't so daunting.  It is this lesson that I am using to get me through the GAPS program.  I am focusing on one project/food, etc. at a time, and I am slowly seeing my dead elephant disappear in my kitchen.  All that is now remaining is a the skeleton and a few tendons and ligaments.  Perhaps that will be my next batch of broth.  :)

I am NOT afraid!!

Lately I have been battling fear, mostly in regards to our son who is dealing with some autism like symptoms.  On my last post, our son was accidentally given Cheerios and we noticed some huge set-backs as a result.  Since that time we have had several tests run which confirmed some of our suspicions.  First, our son has a serve reaction to casein and gluten, so much so, that it causes his body to produce a form of morphine and causes him to act mildly retarded.  The thought that casein and gluten could cause that much damage in our son is overwhelming to say the least.  We also found he is allergic to oats, cashews, walnuts, safflower, sunflower, garlic, soy and cheese.  Obviously the oat allergy helped us to understand why his body responds the way it does to Cheerios.  Add to this that our son tested high to HPHPA (an intestinal bacteria, AKA Clostridia, that causes aggression and defiance) and yeast (which causes language issues) and we have a recipe for disaster.  With so many allergies and food sensitivities we are really restricted on eating-out with our son.  Anything that he consumes can contain an ingredient that his body reacts to, and often those ingredients do not need to be disclosed if there is a "trace" amount.  This has created extra work for me as I have had to make everything at home for him:  ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, chicken stock, spaghetti sauce, almond milk, or any other item that could have a potential contaminate.
We do have an amazing doctor who we are so thankful for.  He is directing us on the tests to have run on our son, giving prescriptions for medications to eliminate the yeast and bacteria, helping us with diet modifications and supplementation, etc.  With each step we take we notice our son is coming back to us.  This is no coincidence.  God has laid the way for us to embark on this adventure even before we suspected autism.  He put it on our hearts not to vaccinate our son, he lead us to a DAN! doctor as our pediatrician (before our son was born), and he also gave us 10 hours of in-home ABA therapy less than a month after we called the Regional Center (which is completely unheard of these days).  I have seen God move, and I am thankful!!!
Despite the fact that I have seen God's hand in this journey, I still can't help but fear. The many "what ifs" that Satan plagues me with are overwhelming at times and I find myself "caving in".  It comforts me to know that I am not alone on this journey to trust God.  In the Bible there are a plethora of passages on fear. In fact, as we come to Christmas I can't help but think of the shepherds in Bethlehem the night Christ was born.  For some reason this passage in Luke 2:10 has been dear to my heart these days.  "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people.  For there is born to you this day in the city of David, a savior, who is Christ the Lord."  Oh, how i need that savior.  I need Him to save me from my sins, from the evil one who causes me to question His greatness and goodness, to save my son from the effects of autism, to save my marriage from the stresses that it incurs, etc. So much to be saved from, and yet, there is immense power in that tiny baby lying in the manger.  Power to conquer death, to offer eternal life to all who believe, to heal, and so much more.   God, give me faith and remind me that I have no reason to fear!!!

Learning to Walk in Faith

Our son is now 20 months old and he has been recently identified as being developmentally delayed primarily in communication.  My husband and I started teaching our son sign language at around 4 months and by 9 months he was signing his needs consistently.  So to some degree our son has been able to communicate his wants and needs to us since that time. He also was very advanced in his gross motor skills and we had never a worry in that department.  
In regards to speech, he started saying "mama" and "dada" at around 6 months. We would hear him from his crib calling for my husband and I early in the morning on a consistent basis.
At around 14-15 months we started noticing that he was losing his signs instead of gaining them.  We initially thought that he was just being difficult because he appeared to be dealing with sleep issues as a result of teething.  But we are now thinking that may have not been the case.
He had his regular check up at 18 months and was still showing advancement in all areas aside from speech.  Our pediatrician was not alarmed at the time, and suggested we wait until 20 months to recheck the issue.  By 20 months he stopped signing everything aside from the word "more" and had started throwing wicked tantrums that would last for long periods of time.  Additionally, he no longer said "mama" and "dada" and just started saying "m" and "d".  It was as though he had lost all of the speech that he had gained and also lost his ability to understand speech.    I knew something was wrong and made another appointment with the pediatrician who suggested we do an elimination diet and also ordered some lab work to check for food allergies.  
We had  started to do an elimination diet a few months prior to all of this due to severe eczema on our son's legs.  We initially started with eliminating gluten and casein.  Since we were on the gluten free diet we purchased more gluten free products (which contain mostly corn) and noticed that our son's eczema had now spread to his back.  As a result we eliminated corn (and then eggs) from his diet about a week ago..  We noticed that the eczema was completely gone from his back, and it was also now disappearing from his legs.  Additionally we noticed an incredible difference in behavior.  Suddenly he was able to: follow directions, do puzzles, ride his push toys outside, signed new signs that he not signed before, sat and listened to stories, was far less active, and even said his first word.   Mind you, these were all skills I had been working on with him for months and was not successful in getting him to do any of these things until a few days ago.  He was suddenly a typical toddler!!!!  It was a remarkable advancement in less than a week's period of time.
Both Thursday and Friday  I went to church for two separate functions and provided an alternative snack for our son and specifically instructed the ladies not to give our son anything but what I packed for him. Unfortunately, they did not follow my directions and gave our son Cheerios.  He was a nightmare yesterday.  He slept horribly, has been throwing chronic tantrums over everything, stopped signing again, seemed to have forgotten everything he had learned the day before, understood nothing I said, and was severely constipated. .

Obviously, I am convinced that my son has some severe allergies to certain foods, and it really scares me.  It is not the allergy itself that concerns me, but the damage that could be done if someone innocently gives our son Cheerios or the like  I am thankful that I know what the issue is now, but realize that I will have to lean on God more to protect my son when he is not in my care.  Normally that would not be an issue for me, but now it will be.  Perhaps God is using this opportunity to teach me to give my son to him on a daily basis as well as to teach me to lean on Him for the wisdom I need to help our son be all that God intends for him to be.  In any case, I am learning to walk in faith, and I am sure once this is all said and done that I will come out being richer for the experience.

Of the importance of deep friendships..

Last night I had the privilege of getting together with some very close girlfriends that I have known for more than 20 years.  All of us met in a Bible study at Mariners which deeply impacted all of us and drew us together.  We have made it a priority to get together once every three months.  Sometimes we struggle to find the time because of our many commitments. However, I think that all of us would agree that when we do get together, it's always deep and every one of us walks away feeling refreshed.  I truly think this is the living out of what the body of Christ is to be.  We are able to meet together, open our hearts, share ours successes and our failures, challenge one another to deeper spirituality, and pray over one another.  It's complete transparency at it's finest.

I also find that when I meet with these women that somehow I am in the presence of God.  It's not that they are perfect, or even super spiritual, it's just this immense feeling of love and acceptance that I imagine I would feel in the presence of Christ.  There is no need to put on pretenses.  I can just be me, imperfections and all and know that I am warmly embraced.

I am an only child, and have been disowned by my parents, and thus these women have filled in a very painful gap for me.  And in many respects,  they have been better for me than my own family.  All their children call me Auntie, and my son will call all of them Auntie as well.  

God has given me a great gift in these women, and I can't imagine my life without them.  Thank you God for good friends.  

Of Baby Beach and The Energizer Bunny...

Today some women from our MOPS group (Mother's of Preschoolers) met at Baby Beach in Dana Point for a fun playdate.  I had my son all decked out in his cute swim trunks and diaper and even packed a nice lunch and a ton of new sand toys.  We left a little early to be sure we could get a good parking spot and also to assure a good place on the beach.  Much to my disappointment we utilized none of the extras that I had brought along.   I had imagined myself teaching my son to use a shovel and a pail, teaching him to how to  splash in the water, and enjoying a nice lunch on our towel after all our fun in the water and sand.  But that was not the case. 
Once we found our friends, we put our stuff down and then made our way to the water.  After about 15-20 minutes of running in and out of the water, my little guy decided that the water was no longer interesting, but playing "run away from mommy" was SO much more fun.  Mind you, my little guy is 18 months (started walking at 10 months) and so he's pretty fast. I spent the rest of the hour and half that we were there running back and forth chasing my toddler across the beach and trying to keep him from running all over everyone's towels, destroying sand castles, and stealing sand toys.  It was non-stop activity, much like the Energizer Bunny.  Please note that I am a Type A personality.  I like order, organization, schedules, etc.  But today was random chaos.  I smile saying this because much of life since having my son has taught me that not everything can be planned for.  There was no way of knowing that God would give me the Energizer Bunny for a baby, but today was pure evidence of God's incredible sense of humor.  I am glad I can smile, because in a sense, it shows that I am growing as a person. I am learning to not take myself too seriously, and allow God to teach me what He needs to teach me through my precious Energizer Bunny.  Thank you God.!  Seriously.... I mean it.  :)